( searching 2637 episodes of Achewood!)

• Achewood - December 26, 2006

  [[Lyle plays the same note over and over on his bass guitar...]] Lyle (thinking): Wish he'd let me play more than one note...frickin' control freak. Nice Pete (singing): FROM THE HAUNTED LOINS OF THE FEVER-WITCH THE DEMON'S LARVAE SPRANG! Lyle (thinking): God, what a stupid lyric... Lyle (thinking): And why's everybody always springing everywhere? Does he think that's the scariest way of getting around? Nice Pete (singing): IN A MIGHTY EARTHEN CROCK A LORD WAS BOILED WITH HIS BEEF! Nice Pete (singing): HIS BLOATED EYES POPPED FROM HIS HEAD ...AND WERE STOLEN BY A THIEF! Lyle (thinking): Oh, no. A boiled lord's eyes were stolen. Is that really the scariest thing that can happen to some boiled eyes? Vision from beyond the grave, anyone? You hack. {{Title text: ENTER...THE HAUNTED LOINS OF THE FEVER-WITCH}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/#

• Achewood - January 30, 2007

  <<Phone Ringing>> Beef (to self): Showbiz died Beef: uh hello who is it please Ray (over phone): I'm mixin' 7 & 7's, dude! You want one too, right? Beef: Ray is that you man it's like four o'clock in the morning Ray (over phone): Hey, let's call that new sandwich place downtown! Neutrino's? Terry says they do a really long Reuben. Like a foot. We'll get Ruffles, turn on some music! Here's your 7 & 7. <<sound over phone of Ray crashing into something>> Beef (to self): Oh my god he's sleep-chillin'! Ray (over phone): Careful, dogg. That drink's delicious, but it ain't permanent. Here, take mine while I mix up another. <<sound over phone of Ray crashing into something else>>
  
  

  http://achewood.com/#cooliris

• Achewood - January 2, 2008

  Ray: Here you go, T! Merry Christmas. Sorry I didn't get this to you on the big day. Ray: It's been crazy. Teodor: Wow, you wrote a book? Ray: Heh! Yeahhhhh. Just got it back from the printer. Book Title: re you There, God? It's Me, Jamiroquai. By R. Smuckles Book reverse: US $24.95 ISBN 0-312-37378-3 As Jamiroquai comes of age, it frets over its new breasts and wonders why every other band seems to have already gotten its period. {{italics}}"Not since Judy Blume has Ray Smuckles succeeded in accurately describing that awkward phase in a band's life when it becomes a woman." [[Teodor looks at the book]] Ray: Be sure to tell me what you think. I don't even know if this was the right thing to do. {{AltTag}} Ray wasn't sure, but he did it anyway. A Man of Action.
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01022008

• Achewood - January 8, 2004

  [[Teodor is at the computer. Cornelius Bear aproaches him. Cornelius Bear: What are you working on, T??odor? [[Teodor gets suprised]] Teodor: Oh, check it out! I'm making a fake Yahoo Personals ad for Ray! [[Cornelius takes a sip from his drink]] [[Computer screen]] Step 2: Likes/Dislikes The dails on what you're lookin I live at 11 Via Verde in Achewood Estates and I need a Puerto Rican woman who's not afraid to break furniture during fights PS I like Italian food and I like to Do It after I eat Italian food <CONFIRM> [[Next screen: Image upload]] Step 3: Photos! Upload a picture of yourself! C:\June2003\ray_ascot. [Browse] Personal ads with photos get a 200% higher response rate! Read our Personal photo sub guidelines here. [[Next screen: Photo confirmation update screen]] Step 3: Photo Confirm This is what users will see w [[Photo showcased: Ray is wearing a fancy suit. Liebot is with him.]] <CONFIRM> <REMOVE< Step 4: Complete! Welcome to the exciting world of Yahoo Personals, rsmuckles! Please review your profile one last time before submitting. [[Photo uploaded earlier]] YOU ARE Man looking for Woman PERSONAL HEADLINE Stout Player Wants to Pour Pink Zindanfel Onto His Firm Peepee while You Watch, Helpless LOCATION: Achewood Estates, CA SMOKES? Socially {{Alt Text: I have a peepee and I know where it goes. Box 4587.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01082004

• Achewood - January 8, 2004

  [[Teodor is at the computer. Cornelius Bear aproaches him. Cornelius Bear: What are you working on, T??odor? [[Teodor gets suprised]] Teodor: Oh, check it out! I'm making a fake Yahoo Personals ad for Ray! [[Cornelius takes a sip from his drink]] [[Computer screen]] Step 2: Likes/Dislikes The dails on what you're lookin I live at 11 Via Verde in Achewood Estates and I need a Puerto Rican woman who's not afraid to break furniture during fights PS I like Italian food and I like to Do It after I eat Italian food <CONFIRM> [[Next screen: Image upload]] Step 3: Photos! Upload a picture of yourself! C:\June2003\ray_ascot. [Browse] Personal ads with photos get a 200% higher response rate! Read our Personal photo sub guidelines here. [[Next screen: Photo confirmation update screen]] Step 3: Photo Confirm This is what users will see w [[Photo showcased: Ray is wearing a fancy suit. Liebot is with him.]] <CONFIRM> <REMOVE< Step 4: Complete! Welcome to the exciting world of Yahoo Personals, rsmuckles! Please review your profile one last time before submitting. [[Photo uploaded earlier]] YOU ARE Man looking for Woman PERSONAL HEADLINE Stout Player Wants to Pour Pink Zindanfel Onto His Firm Peepee while You Watch, Helpless LOCATION: Achewood Estates, CA SMOKES? Socially {{Alt Text: I have a peepee and I know where it goes. Box 4587.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01082004

• Achewood - January 8, 2004

  [[Teodor is at the computer. Cornelius Bear aproaches him. Cornelius Bear: What are you working on, T??odor? [[Teodor gets suprised]] Teodor: Oh, check it out! I'm making a fake Yahoo Personals ad for Ray! [[Cornelius takes a sip from his drink]] [[Computer screen]] Step 2: Likes/Dislikes The dails on what you're lookin I live at 11 Via Verde in Achewood Estates and I need a Puerto Rican woman who's not afraid to break furniture during fights PS I like Italian food and I like to Do It after I eat Italian food <CONFIRM> [[Next screen: Image upload]] Step 3: Photos! Upload a picture of yourself! C:\June2003\ray_ascot. [Browse] Personal ads with photos get a 200% higher response rate! Read our Personal photo sub guidelines here. [[Next screen: Photo confirmation update screen]] Step 3: Photo Confirm This is what users will see w [[Photo showcased: Ray is wearing a fancy suit. Liebot is with him.]] <CONFIRM> <REMOVE< Step 4: Complete! Welcome to the exciting world of Yahoo Personals, rsmuckles! Please review your profile one last time before submitting. [[Photo uploaded earlier]] YOU ARE Man looking for Woman PERSONAL HEADLINE Stout Player Wants to Pour Pink Zindanfel Onto His Firm Peepee while You Watch, Helpless LOCATION: Achewood Estates, CA SMOKES? Socially {{Alt Text: I have a peepee and I know where it goes. Box 4587.}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01082004

• Achewood - January 11, 2005

  [[Ray has just swung his legs to the floor from his double bed]] Ray: Yaaaaaaaawn! Yawn yawn yawny-yawn! Ray: Oh, that's right! I put 2,000 Flushes in the toilet last night! I can't wait to see the great blue color that it made! [[Ray is walking down his hallway]] Ray: Hooray, man! Today already rocks! [[Ray is looking into his toilet, he thinks to himself]] Ray: Man, that is one hell of a beautiful color. Bless the baby angel who is in charge of days like today. [[Ray stands at the top of the stairs, one hand on hip, one on door frame]] Ray: Roast Beef! Get up here! Check out this! [[Roast Beef is at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at Ray]] Roast Beef: What Ray: You want to go on a little mini vacation to paradise? Come look in my toilet, dude! [[Roast Beef and Ray are now both standing above the toilet, looking into the bowl]] Roast Beef: Dang man I feel like there should be a little paper umbrella and some Bob Marley music Ray: Wait right here! I'm gonna bring up the hibachi and call the fellows!
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01112005

• Todd's Ana-Tomix

  Todd: R-R-Ray! I need six million bucks! Ray: Excuse me, Todd? Todd: T-T-Ta start this company I been dreamin' of! Ana-Tomix Car Concepts! I'm comin' to you first! Ray: Anatomical car concepts, huh. Like those fake nutbags they got for hangin' off trailer hitches? Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! But dicksacks for cars is only the beginnin'! Ray: Okay, okay. I'm listening. Todd: I got this idea called Boy Dog! It's a modified brown golf bag you can strap unnerneath your ride! Ray: Uh huh. And this represents the actual dog phallus, not just the dog's oat tote? Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! The whole ka-doodle! Ray: Okay, alright. Keep goin'. Todd: Well, that's my main best idea for n-n-now. Ray: Okay then. Well. What I typically offer entrepreneurs at this stage is guidance, and maybe a tiny seed, or "angel," investment. Todd: Whatever you got, m-m-man! Ray: Todd, "Boy Dog" is compelling, but it doesn't cover the market. What about "Girl Dog?" People obviously want to think that their cars can nail each other. That is a given. How well the business community addresses those needs is up to you and me. It's an exciting time.
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01112006

• Todd's Ana-Tomix

  Todd: R-R-Ray! I need six million bucks! Ray: Excuse me, Todd? Todd: T-T-Ta start this company I been dreamin' of! Ana-Tomix Car Concepts! I'm comin' to you first! Ray: Anatomical car concepts, huh. Like those fake nutbags they got for hangin' off trailer hitches? Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! But dicksacks for cars is only the beginnin'! Ray: Okay, okay. I'm listening. Todd: I got this idea called Boy Dog! It's a modified brown golf bag you can strap unnerneath your ride! Ray: Uh huh. And this represents the actual dog phallus, not just the dog's oat tote? Todd: Yeah! Yeah! 'zzzackly! The whole ka-doodle! Ray: Okay, alright. Keep goin'. Todd: Well, that's my main best idea for n-n-now. Ray: Okay then. Well. What I typically offer entrepreneurs at this stage is guidance, and maybe a tiny seed, or "angel," investment. Todd: Whatever you got, m-m-man! Ray: Todd, "Boy Dog" is compelling, but it doesn't cover the market. What about "Girl Dog?" People obviously want to think that their cars can nail each other. That is a given. How well the business community addresses those needs is up to you and me. It's an exciting time.
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01112006

• Barry the Fish

  [[Roast Beef sits on a boat, night fishing with a sad look on his face]] [[A small fish named Barry pops its head above the water.]] Barry: Hi. I'm Barry. What's up? [[Roast Beef turns and looks at the fish]] Roast Beef: Not much Barry. How about you? Barry: There hasn't been any bait on that hook all night. What are you doing? Roast Beef: Oh uh I didn't want to catch anything. I just like being out here. Barry: I know what you mean. I come up here when I need to get away fron the missus. Roast Beef: So you're married huh? Barry: Hey, I brought some Guinness up. Want one? Roast Beef: Dang that is like my favorite beer ever Barry: No kidding [[SOON. Barry and Roast Beef continue their discussion.]] Barry: ...so the next day she takes one of those home pregnancy tests. I can practically hear her hummin' Here Comes the Bride through the bathroom door Roast Beef: Was this before or after Janeane finally called
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01212004

• Achewood - January 29, 2004

  [[Mr. Bear sits in a comfortable easy chair reading a newspaper]] Mr. Bear: Hm, hm Mr. Bear: Looks like Kerry's going to take the nomination... [[Philippe enters]] Philippe: What, Mr. Bear? Mr. Bear: The Democrats are deciding who they want to run against President Bush, Philippe. Philippe: It's Democrats and Republicans, right? Mr. Bear: Those are the two main American political parties. Philippe: Which one's better? Mr. Bear: It's not that simple, I'm afraid. There are good and bad things about both parties. Philippe: Why don't they just make one party out of all the good things? Mr. Bear: Sigh. Mr. Bear: I wish it were that easy, Philippe. [[Soon, Philippe stands behind a wooden crate with a sign crudely inscribed with "Philippe for America!" and "I am happy to be your president"]]
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=01292004

• Achewood - February 7, 2003

  [[Ray and Roast Beef have parked and left the Galaxie, and are walking towards the Subway.]] RAY: Oh man, I am gonna get six kinds of nasty on a Cold Cut Trio! BEEF: You said it [[Ray is at the counter, behind which Lyle is working.]] RAY: Lyle! What it is, sucka! LYLE: Welcome home, fellas. What'll it be? [[Beef and Ray are sitting at one of the tables. Beef's eating a sandwich, while Ray, with sandwich and drink, is busy talking to Lyle.]] BEEF: Mmm this sandwich is so good I feel like there's music coming outta my ears RAY: So, Lyle! What's with all the new Subways in town? LYLE [shaking his fist]: Bah! Those crooks! BEEF [still eating his sub]: That's how Subway works man Like hamsters in a cage They just keep growin' the numbers till they kill each other back down to a sustainable level LYLE: Did you guys know the real Jared died at a Subway in 1998? RAY: Get outta here! Man, you've been readin' too much internet, Lyle! [[Lyle leans over the counter, a deadly serious look on his face.]] LYLE: The franchise owner stole his pants, and hired an actor named Dennis J. Carmichael to assume the identity of his "diet miracle boy". I don't need to tell you how he disposed of the body. {{alt text: what is jared fogle the anagram of}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=02072003

• Achewood - February 11, 2004

  [[Ray is talking to Teodor on the phone. Teodor is playing golf at the time.]] Ray: Hey Teodor! It's Ray! How you doin'? Teodor: I'm a little busy. Ray: Oh! I'm sorry to hear that! Listen-I just have a quick question for! Teodor: Look Ray I just sprayed 409 onto the stove and the bubbles are starting to pop- Ray: Teodor! I need you to be- Teodor: HARD TO HEAR YOU! BUBBLES POPPING! IT'S GETTING PRETTY BAD! <<Ray: ssslurp>>> Ray: -Phillipe's new Vice President! [[Phillipe and Teodor are talking in person.]] [[SOON]] Phillipe: But I thought everybody cried during Finding Nemo! Teodor: It's just not a strong enough playform to unite an entire nation. {{Alt-text: Good job to Josh the Newfoundland who brought strong sack and won the dog show}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=02112004

• Achewood - March 3, 2004

  Ray: Hey, who left this nice tasseled loafer out here in the yard?! Ray: This was gonna get sprinklered on if I didn't find it! Whoever left thois out here is hella lucky I found it. Ray {{thinking}}: Looks like a pretty expensive shoe ... What brand is it anyway Loafer: mumblmumnumblunm Ray {{thinking}}: Whoah, was that a little noise?! Loafer: I AM LAZARUS, TASSELED LOAFER TO THE WORLD'S GREATEST BUSINESS MINDS Lazarus Loafer: DON ME AND YOU SHALL SEE THE WORLD AS ITS TRUE COMMANDERS DO! [[Ray, having donned the loafer, is empowered]]
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=03032004

• Achewood - March 4, 2003

  Roast Beef: Phillippe man you lookin' tight How'd you get that troublesome weight off Phillippe: Thank you Roast Beef! Phillippe: I just exercised and ate healthy! Roast Beef: How's about we go get us a coupla' subs down at Subway My Treat Phillippe: Oh, I don't know... That's how I got so big in the first place! Roast Beef: Come on dogg 7 under 6 it is my treat You can even wear your rollerskates! Phillippe: Oh boy! [[MEANWHILE]] Pat: Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?! HUH? You BITCH? <<Ding!>> <<POW!>> {{heaven is a place where nothing ever happens}}
  
  

  http://achewood.com/?date=03042003